Alright, let's get this straight. Abbott, the mega-corp that makes everything from baby formula to COVID tests (remember those?), is buying Exact Sciences for a cool $23 billion. Billion. With a "B." And what does Exact Sciences do? Oh, just makes Cologuard, that at-home poop test everyone loves to hate... or hates to love, depending on how you feel about colonoscopies.

The Corporate Cannibal Strikes Again

So, Abbott wants in on the cancer screening game. Fine. Except, let's be real, this ain't about "advancing earlier detection" or "changing lives," like CEO Kevin Conroy spewed in the press release. Give me a break. It's about Abbott seeing a fat stack of cash in the diagnostics market and deciding they want a bigger piece of the pie.

Conroy will remain with the company in an advisory role. Yeah, okay. Sure he will. For how long? Until his golden parachute fully inflates? I'm calling it now.

And what about Madison, Wisconsin? Apparently, Exact Sciences is a "major driver" of the local economy there. Well, congrats, Madison, you just got Abbott-ized. They're saying Exact Sciences will "maintain its presence" in the city. Translation: they'll keep a skeleton crew around until it's no longer convenient, then quietly consolidate everything at Abbott HQ. Offcourse, this is just my cynical take.

The Future of Poop (and Profits)

Abbott is betting big that Cologuard is the future. And maybe it is. I mean, who really wants a colonoscopy? Swallowing that prep solution is basically medieval torture. But Cologuard ain't perfect. More false positives, they say. More follow-up care. Is it really better? Or just more convenient... and profitable?

They claim this deal will help offset revenue declines from Abbott's COVID-19 testing kits. So, basically, one public health crisis ends, and they immediately pivot to profiting off another potential one. Is that too cynical? Maybe. But, like, come on.

And let's not forget Exact Sciences bought Genomic Health back in 2019. So, they aren't just a one-trick pony anymore. They've got tests for breast and prostate cancer, too. Expanding the portfolio, they call it. I call it covering your ass.

The Human Cost?

What nobody seems to be talking about is the potential human cost. Seven thousand employees at Exact Sciences. How many of them are gonna be "redundant" after Abbott takes over? How many families are gonna be affected? Nobody knows. Or, more likely, nobody cares.

Abbott's CEO, Robert Ford, said this acquisition will be "immediately accretive to its revenue growth and gross margin." Not a word about the people who actually make the tests, run the labs, and keep the whole thing afloat.

But hey, at least Exact Sciences shareholders are getting $105 per share. That's what really matters, right? Abbott to buy Madison-based Exact Sciences in deal valued at up to $23 billion

So, What's the Real Story?

This whole thing stinks of corporate greed, empty promises, and the relentless pursuit of profit at any cost. Abbott gets a new revenue stream, Exact Sciences shareholders get a payday, and the rest of us get to keep sending our poop in the mail. Yay.